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Надад зүрхнээсээ хайрладаг нэгэн залуу байсан юм. Хэдийгээр олон жилийн өмнө бид үерхэж байсан ч тухайн үед хэн хэн нь насанд хүрсэн, ялангуяа тэр маань аль хэдийн эхнэр авахад бэлэн болчихсон, эр хүний ид хав нь дөнгөж амтагдаад буй сайхан залуу байлаа.

Гэтэл би их сургуулийн төгсөх анги, ажил болон мөнгөний талаарх туршлага дутмаг, сексийн талаар онолоос гадуурх мэдлэггүй жинхэнэ “түүхийгээрээ” амьтан байв. Магадгүй тийм л учраас надаас бүх талаараа илүү түүнийг тэгтлээ их хайрласан байх. Бүр салахаар шийдсэнийг нь сонсоод ч үзэн ядаж, муугаар бодохын оронд түүнийг өөдгүйгээр нь дуудсан найз нарынхаа өөдөөс сөрөн зогсож, байдаг чадлаараа өмөөрч байв. Тэр намайг “Сайн залууд өөрийгөө зориулаарай” гэж хэлсэн юм л даа.

Харин би “Бүх залуус салахын тулд ийм худал шалтаг зохиож хэлдэг. Надад үнэнээ хэлсэнгүй” гэсэн оньсоготой үлдчихсэн юм. Бидний тийм хүчтэй холбоог салгах энгийн биш, ямар нэгэн гүн, нууц зүйл л гарцаагүй байх ёстой гэж бодсоор л байлаа.

Түүнээс хойш хэчнээн жил өнгөрч, бүр жинхэнэ хайртайгаа учирсан ч өнөөх шалтгаан нь юу байсан юм бол гэсэн томоос том асуултын тэмдэг дотор минь байсаар л байв. Ямар ч шалтгаан байсан, “Намайг уучлаарай” гээд түүнийг эргээд ирсэн ч эргэж буцахгүйгээ мэдэж байвч тухайн үед яагаад хаягдсан, юун дээр алдсан гэдгээ л хамгийн ихээр мэдэхийг хүсч байлаа. Хүссэн юм хүзүү ороодог нь яахын аргагүй үнэн шүү.

Утасны цаанаас хоолойг нь сонсоод би өөрийгөө чимхмээр болов. Надаас салсныхаа дараа Англи явж сурчихаад ирсэн гэнэ. Амьдралд нь хэд хэдэн том зүйл болсон, уулзмаар байгаагаа ч илэрхийлж байна. Гэвч эхний удаа татгалзмаар санагдан “Үгүй” гээд гүрийчихэв. Харин дараа нь, хэдхэн хоногийн хойно өөрөө би түүнээс бүгдийг асуусан юм.

- “Надаас анх яагаад салъя гэж бодсоноо санаж байна уу?”
- “Бид хамтдаа байх үед чи ирээдүйн талаар огт ярьдаггүй, боддоггүй байсан. Унтахыг ч хүсдэггүй, цаашдаа яах талаар боддог ч үгүй, зөвхөн өнөөдрөөрөө л амьдардаг байсан. Тэгээд л энэ харилцаа чиний хувьд тийм ч онцгой биш болохыг мэдэрсэн юм. Чи надад хайртай гэсэн бодолдоо л илүү итгэчихсэн байсан”
- “Чи надад санагддаг шиг тийм дурсамжийг би чамд бүтээж өгч чадсан болов уу? Ядаж намайг сайнаар дурсдаг уу?”
- “Хэрвээ би чамайг сайнаар дурсахааргүй байсан бол хэзээ ч тэгж орхихгүй байсан. Тэр их боломжууд байхад унтаад, охин биеийг чинь авч болох байсан ч чамайг сайн залууд бүх зүйлээ зориулаад бардам, үнэнч амьдраасай гэж хүссэн”

Өнөөх оньсого, хэчнээн жил гайхшийг минь төрүүлж ирсэн тааврын маань хариу энэ. Ийм л энгийн, өөрөө жаахан ухаад бодвол ойлгох ч амнаас нь сонсохгүй л бол итгэмээргүй үгс. Гэвч цорын ганц үнэн нь хэрэв би салахдаа ийм үг сонссон бол хэзээ ч түүнд итгэхгүй байсан. Яагаад гэвэл эмэгтэйчүүд бид дурлахаараа түүнээс өөр ертөнц ахиад байгаа гэдгийг мартталаа дээш тэнгэрт нисч орхидог. Хэн нэгэн намайг буулгахыг оролдох юм бол уурлана, муухай аашилна, бүр уйлна. Гэвч цаг хугацааг алгасаад харахад заримдаа хамгийн муу шийдэл амьдралын хамгийн сайн шийдвэрүүдийн нэг болдог аж. Хайртай хүндээ хаягдана гэдэг хамгийн бүтэлгүй, унхиагүй явдал байж болох ч магадгүй энэ чиний амьдралыг засах, зөв хүнтэйгээ учрах, аз жаргалаа олох түлхүүр ч байх юм билүү? Чин сэтгэлээр зүтгэж ирсэн ажлаасаа халагдана, тухтай байрнаасаа хагацаж хашаа байшинд очно, олон жил эдэлсэн угаалгын машиныг нэг л өдөр хүүхэд чинь эвдэнэ гээд яг одоогийн мөчид байж болмооргүй, онцгүй үйл явдлууд ирээдүйн хамгийн сайн шийдвэр болж өөрчлөгдөх ч юм билүү?

Одоо хариултыг нь бат итгэлтэйгээр хэлж чадахгүй байсан ч болно оо. Угаас амьдрал чамайг болсон гэж үзсэн үедээ, үүнийг сонсвол ойлгохоор насанд хүрсэн гэж бодсон цагтаа л хариултыг нь хадгалж хадгалж байгаад илгээдэг юм билээ. Тиймээс одоо шаналж уйлахаа больсон нь дээр юм биш үү.


ТА ӨӨРТ ТОХИОЛДСОН ЯВДАЛЫГ УНШИГЧИДТАЙ ХУВААЛЦАЖ ЯРИЛЦАХЫГ ХҮСВЭЛ medee99@yahoo.com ХАЯГААР ЗАХИДЛАА ИРҮҮЛНЭ ҮҮ!

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