Амьдралд битгий яараарай бүсгүй минь…

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Алга дарам цаасан дээр нулимс асгаруулан бичсэн энэхүү захидлыг би хогийн савнаасаа олсон юм. Эмэгтэй хүн гэх нэр томъёо бардам зан гэгчийг үргэлж дотроо агуулж байдаг бол надад тэр зүйл нь байгаагүй эсвэл хэн нэгнийг хайрлах замын дунд гээгдсэн юм шиг байна. Бүхий л амьдралдаа хайж явсан тэр хүн нь гэнэт гараад ирсэн үүлэн дээрх өдрүүдийг эргэцүүлж суухдаа инээмсэглэж, тэгснээ тольруу бага зэрэгт хавдаж хөхөрсөн нүүрээ хараад захиагаа дахин уншиж энэ удаад түүний гараар биш үзэг барьж үгс нийлүүлсэн өөрийн гараар хогийн савруу чулуудаад чемоданаа чирэн гадагш гарлаа.

Амнаас минь урсаагүй үгс бичгээр очихдоо түүнд сонсогдоогүй бололтой. Магад танд ч сонин санагдахгүй биз. Гэхдээ л уншина бид өөрийн түүхээс илүү өрөөлийн муу муухайд чихээ сортолзуулан амаа билүүддэг араатан учраас та цааш нь уншина. Би түүнтэй учраад 4 жил болж байна. Төсөөлж байнуу? Эхний 2 жил аз жаргал гэж ийм юм байдаг юмуу гэмээр хүн болж төрсөндөө баярламаар энэ залууг олсондоо өөрийгөө ямагт азтайд тооцож, зүгээр л дүүлэн ниссэн. Өглөө бүр өндөг шарж зогсохдоо араас ирээд тэврэхийг нь хүлээж тэгэх бүрт нь амьдрал ямар амттайг гайхна. Яг ингээд л үргэлжлэх хэдэн арван жилийг төсөөлөхийн ч аргагүй сайхан байж. Гэвч Хүн шаналахаа мэдэхгүй дурладаг юм байналээ.

Анх тэр надруу фэйсбүүкээр бичсэн юм. Юу гэж бичсэнийг нь санахгүй ч түүнээс хойш өдөр бүр чатлаж уулзахаар ч болсон. Болзоо харин мартагдахын аргагүй сайхан болж, сар ч болоогүй хамт амьдарч өнөөдрийг үзсэн. Та нар намайг хямдхан, үнэ цэнэгүй гэж хэлж болно юу ч гэж бодож болно. Харин өөрийгөө өмөөрч хэлэх ганцхан зүйл бол би дурлаж үзээгүй байсан юм. Гэвч надруу хэн ч бичдэггүй байсан уу гэвэл үгүй. Би сургуульдаа олны анхаарлын төвд байдаг байсныг манай найзууд, эргэн тойрныхон маань гэрчилнэ. Надруу бичдэг миний хажууд суух гэж оролддог залууст би зүгээр л муухай хандаад холдуулчихдаг байсан. Яагаад ингэдэг байснаа ойлгохгүй юм. Магадгүй хүн бүрээс ямар нэг өө олж харан өөрийнхөө доторх төгс нэгнийг хайсан байж мэднэ. Харин яагаад бусдаас ялгарах юмгүй тэр залууд боломж олгосныг бурхан л мэдэх байх.

Аав ээж маань намайг бага байхад хоёр тийшээ болж тус тусдаа амьдрал зохиосон. Би ээжтэйгээ мөн ээжийг минь ёстой газар гишгүүлдэггүй сайн хойд аавтайгаа амьдардаг байсан юм. Намайг дагавар гэж нэг ч удаа бодож үзээгүй тэр хүнийг л би аавыгаа гэж бодож явдаг учир нь миний төрсөн эцэг намайг дурсаж хайж сураглаж яваагүйгээр барахгүй 4н настайдаа нурууг нь хараад хоцорсноос хойш тэр хүнийг гэх ганц ч зүйл ой тоонд үлдээгүй билээ. Би ээжийнхээ өмнөөс туйлын их баярладаг. Ээж минь хамгийн зөв шийдвэрийг хийсэн. Заримдаа салалт гэдэг хэцүү буруу шийдвэр байх боловч заримдаа төсөөлж ч байгаагүй шинэ аз жаргалыг авч ирдэг гэлтэй. Явмаар байгааг нь явуулж өөрөө явмаар байгаа бол явж сурах нь амьдралын хамгийн энгийн хэрнээ хамгийн хэцүү шийдвэр. Би одоо үүнийг бичиж байхдаа маш тайван байна. Тэгээд л та нарт бүхнээ яриад суумаар санагдсан учраас, хэн нэгэн хөөрхөн охин миний алдааг битгий давтаасай гэсэндээ үүнийг бичиж сууна.

Ахин дурлалынхаа сэдэв рүү орцгооё. Бид 2 бие биенээ үнэхээр жинхэнэ утгаараа хайрлаж байв. Үгүээ ядаж л би тэгж боддог юм. Тэр намайг инээлгэхийн төлөө тэнэг тэнэг царай гаргаж, хөгжилтэй түүх зохиож яриад л заримдаа миний хацар өвддөг байсан. Жаргалтай сонсогдож байгаа биз? Би анзаараагүй ч нэг л зүйл болохгүй болсныг 2 дахь жилийн ойн дээрээ гадарласан юм. Өдрөөс өдөрт нэг л хөндий болж өглөөд гал тогоонд юм идэх гэж л орж ирдэг болж, оройдоо хамт кино үздэг байсан бол нойлд их цагийг өнгөрөөж, утсандаа бүх анхаарлаа шилжүүлээд байгаа нь надад мэдрэгдсэн ч хэрүүл хийх дургүй болохоороо аль болох өөр зүйл бодож эдгээр өөрчлөлтүүдийг нь хараагүй мэдээгүй юм шиг өнгөрөөж байлаа. Нэг удаа унтаж байхад нь утсыг нь аваад хартал кодоо сольчихсон байх юм. Даанч дээ чи минь надаас ингээд л юмаа нуудаг болчих гэж. Маргааш нь өглөөний цайгаа уунгаа утсыг нь бариад кодоо сольчихсон юмуу гэсэнд чимээгүй л ммхм гэж байна хэлдээ гэсэн чинь чи одоо яах гээд байгаа юм? Хувийн орон зайруу халдлаа нтр гээд гэнэт хашгичаад эхлэв. Би үнэндээ юу ч ойлгосонгүй. Сарын өмнө л би түүний бүх зүйлийг мэддэг байлаа. Гэхдээ тэр үед миний мэддэгээс тэс өөр хүн надруу хашгичиж байсныг санаж байна. Тэгээд л уурандаа гараад явчихлаа. Уг нь тэр өдөр бид 2 аавынд очих гэж байсан юм. Би яах учраа олж ядан компьютер дээр хадгалагдсан байсан фэйсбүүкрүү нь орж үзлээ. Миний таних тэр бүсгүйтэй харьцсан байх юм. Тэр эмэгтэй бол түүний минь анхны хайр. Гадаадад олон жил суралцсан болохоор хол зайг давж чадахгүй 2 тийш болсон тухайгаа надад анх танилцахдаа хэлж байсан түүнээс өөр эмэгтэй амьдралд нь байгаагүй болохоор түүндээ их хайртай байснаа ч хэлсэн. Гэтэл тэр нь эргээд иржээ. Түүгээр ч үл барам уулзалдсаныг нь ч мэдлээ. Энд үед л жинхэнэ бодит байдал намайг алгадаад авсан. Өөрөөсөө ч илүү мэднэ гэж бодож байсан хүн минь төсөөлж ч байгаагүй зүйлүүд хийгээд явсныг би анзаараачгүй болохоор өөрийгөө л буруутгаж байв. Гэхдээ маш их гомдсон тэгээд уйлаад ч нэмэргүйг ойлгож бодит байдалтай нүүр тулах гэж хичээв. Хэдхэн цагийн дараа ээж залгаад ирнэ гэсэн яагаав гэхэд нь гэнэт ажлаас дуудаад гээд л худлаа ярьж гарлаа. Би яагаад ээждээ шууд хэлчихээгүйгээ мэдэх юм алга. Орой нар жаргахыг хараад цонхон дээрээ зогсож байтал түлхүүр шажгинах чимээ гарч тэр цэцэг барьсаар орж ирлээ. Үнсээд л өглөө уурласандаа гэмшиж байна гэдгээ ч хэлж киноны 2 тасалбар гартаа барин сэгсэрч хуурамч хэр нь нөгөө л сайхан инээмсэглэлээрээ намайг аргадаж дөнгөлөө. Би бүхнийг баллаж түүнрүү орилох тэнэг эмэгтэй биш гэж тухайн үедээ бодож цагийг хамтдаа түүний хүссэнээр өнгөрүүлэв. Одоо бодоход тэр л буруу шийдвэр байсан юм шиг. Тэр үйлдлийг хийгээгүйгээс болж бүхэл бүтэн 2 жил дотоод тамдаа тарчлан өнгөрөөсөн. Харин хөөрхий тэр залуу намайг юу олж мэдсэнийг анзаараагүй юм. Хосууд бие биенээ дэндүү сайн мэддэг гэж боддог ч үнэндээ өөрсдийгөө ч бүрэн мэддэггүйд асуудал байдаг юм билээ.

Анхны хайраа мартаж чадаагүй түүнд буруу өгч чадсангүй. Анх удаа дурласан өөртөө ч буруу өгч чадсангүй. Чухам хэнд ч буруу байхгүй. Сэтгэл гэдэг хүний хүссэнээр удирдаж болдог зүйл ч биш. За тэгээд мэдээгүй юм шиг яваад л байлаа. Тэд ч болзоцгоож би ч цонхоо харуулдсаар тэр минь намайг үнэхээр мэдээгүй гэж бодон яваад байсанд инээд ч хүрэх шиг. Чатаа устгалаа гээд яах ч билээ түүнийг гэсэн сэтгэлээ устгаж болох биш. Хэд хэд томоохон муудалцаад авлаа. Та нар гайхаж байгаа байх яагаад хуураад байгааг нь мэдсээр байж салж чадахгүй байгаа юм бэ гээд өөрөө дурлахаараа ойлгоноо тэр хүнгүйгээр цаашаа төсөөлж ч чадахгүй байсын. Болъё гэж бодоод үгээ бэлдээд сууж байхад орж ирээд тэврээд хэвтэнгээ ирээдүйгээ ярьж байгаа түүнийг би түлхэж чадахгүй за тэр эмэгтэйгээсээ больсон байлгүй дээ гэж бодон тэврүүлээд мэгшинэ. Сэтгэл нь өөр зүгт байгаа хүнийг хүлээх хамгийн хэцүү хормууд үргэлжилсээр. Тэр хооронд өөрийгөө ч өөрчилж үзэв. Хамгийн гоё даашинзаа өмсөн өмнө нь эргэлдэхэд утаснаасаа нүдээ салгаагүй хэр нь хөөрхөн байна гэх худал үг шүднийхээ завсар сийгүүлнэ. Чихээр минь орж зүрхээр минь шуурч байлаа. Тэдний харилцааг мэдэн будилж жил явсны дараа би жирэмсэн боллоо. Нойлын суултуур дээр сууж байхдаа тэр 2 зураасыг нүдээ томруулж нэг, онийж нэг харлаа. Буржгар үсээ хойш нь гараараа самнаад нүүрээ таглан удаан уйллаа. Энэ хоёр зураас намайг, бидний хайрыг аврах юм шиг санаж догдлон байж хүлээлээ. Тэр ирсэнгүй. Харин “өнөөдөр ажил ихтэй байна эндээ хонох байх гэсэн” зурвас л ирлээ. Уртаар санаа алдахад цээжин тушаа нэг юм хөндүүрлэн зурж хацрыг зүсэн нулимс урслаа. Маргааш орой нь би үнэхээр тэссэнгүй. Уйлж дуулаад дотроо байсан бүхнээ орилж, хашгирч, бүх мэдрэмжээ илэрхийллээ. Хариуд нь яасан гэж санана. Уйлах үед минь нулимс арчдаг байсан тэр гар нүүрэн дундуур минь хүчтэй буулаа. Цочсондоо бас их өвдөлтийг даасангүй шууд л уначихлаа. Түүнээс одоо бүр ийм авир гарна чинээ төсөөлж ч яваагүй тул цочирдлоо. Жирэмсэн гэдгээ ч хэллээ. Тэр сонсоод үнэхээр балмагдаж доош суун намайг тэврэн уйлж уучлал гуйлаа. Би хичнээн удаан хууртахаа мэдэхгүй ч хүүхдээ төрсний дараа өөр болох байх гэж найдан хүлээлээ. Харин тэр цохилт нь шөнө бүр зүүдлэгдэж хөлрөн сэрэх бүрт хажууд минь тайван унтаж байгаа түүнийг хараад заримдаа өрөвдөж заримдаа зэвүү хүрч байлаа. Тэд ч хэсэгтээ харьцахаа больсон юм. Амьдрал дахиад л аятайхан үргэлжилсээр. Хамтдаа эмнэлэг явж, хүүхдийн дэлгүүрээр орон гадуур хооллож буцаад нөгөө сайхан цагруугаа буцчихсан юм шиг. Гэхдээ би түүнийг хүчлээд байгааг мэдэрсээр л байв. Яаж ч хичээгээд болиулж чаддаггүй тийм хүчтэй хайрыг би тэр хоёроос бас өөрөөсөө олж харсан. Намайг 6н сартай жирэмсэн байхад тэр хоёр манай гэрт байж байгаад баригдлаа. Орой нь бас бөөн хэрүүл би л буруугаар ойлгосон юм байх. Дахиад л өөд өөдөөсөө чанга чанга орилж өөрсдийнхөө зөв гэдгийг батлах гэж дайрцгаалаа. Энэ удаад би түүнийг алгадчихав. Тэр маш их уурлан намайг цохиж цохилтууд нь чангарсаар би ухаан алдан эмнэлэгт сэрлээ.

Аврал гэж бодон бодон тээж байсан сахиусан тэнгэр минь намайг орхин оджээ. Түүнийг бүтээсэн эцгийнхээ гараар эхийнхээ хэвлээс хагацан үүрд байхгүй болчихож. Тэгээд л надад итгэл найдвар хумсын толион чинээ ч үлдсэнгүй. Би түүнийг тэр намайг таниагүй байжээ. Би гэртээ харьсан хойноо зүгээр л амьд үхтэл болон хувирлаа. Төгсөх курс байсан ч хичээлдээ явалгүй жилийн чөлөө авч, ээждээ ч хаалга тайлж өгөхөө болив. Тэр үргэлж дэргэд минь байж тэгэхдээ хязгааргүй ихээр гэмшивч би аль хэдийн өөрийгөө алдчихсан байсан тул бид дэмий л хурц гэрлийн дор өөр өөрийн харанхуйд амьдарна. Ингэж удаан явж чадахгүй ч бие биенээ чөлөөлөхгүй байсан харилцааг түүний сүүлийн гарны хүчинд захирагдсан миний царай дуусгаж өгөв. Эхлээд цохиход нь айж балмагдан уучлал гуйгаад ирэхэд нь дахиад ингэхгүй дээ гэж өөртөө итгүүлж сүүлдээ дүчирчихэв. Сонин юмаа хэд цохиулаад л хаширдаггүй байсан гэхээр. Өнөөдөр миний төрсөн өдөр. Одоо Улаанбаатар хотод 23 цаг болж байна. Өглөө аваад гарсан чемодан, дахин эхлэх итгэл хоёроо өвөрлөн ээжрүүгээ явж байна. Намайг уучлаарай дэндүү эрт, таньж ч амжаагүй залуудаа бүхнээ зориулж эрэмдэглэгдсэн хойноо эхрүүгээ тэмүүлж байгаад. Гэхдээ би хайрласандаа харамсахгүй ээ. Дахиад ч хайрлах байх гэхдээ дараагийн удаад илүү болгоомжтойгоор. Надад хэлэх ганцхан үг байна. Битгий яараарай. Тавьж явуулж өөрөө явж сураарай. Дараагийн шинэ түүхээр дахин холбогдоно гэдгийг мэдэж байна. Би зүгээр л амьд байгаадаа баярлаж байна.

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